and so the fairytale goes.......

i was taught, all along, through tunnels of moisture and ivy and mold, that it is wrong. to love more than one person at a time. and love, as an act, a verb, an action. wrong, wrong to love my father and my mother, simultaneously. and so i love him more. who do you love more? i remember being asked this many times. how gross. my mother was.

"but is it love?" no, its an act-ion. he was there for you more, until his brain burst and took you in on his demons, flying the dark night with him- the way he'd sit with his black eyes under the fluorescent lighting late at night. unmoving. unchanging. yet i knew, and feared, the demon would again fly out of his eyes and come and attack me for being me.

and wasn't that so different than the grape soda and slurpies he'd buy me before taking me under his wing to work all day with him as a servant tending other people's beautiful landscapes? so so different, than when she'd mock him about "spoiling" me. and i became spoiled. rotted putridly as it now pours out of me in the ways that i love, un-love, fear, act dumb, shy away, cover my eyes, do hurtful things to myself and others.

its not ok. to feel love for you. its not ok, but only ok, to feel love for me. but what if i want to extend it? no, not allowed. NOW now i want it. now i am guilty for loving wrong. for lying right, for being a liar, for being a hurtful slob. now. after i gave up the option deep in my gut, that it was safe to love you alone.

but how can you get rid of a family member? you can't. they're always there. they will always be there. they will always be present. present un-present. loving un-loving. -ly.
i give up. on it all. whats the point in proving i've always cared and i am an ugly beast borne out of the belly of blood and mud and - thats even too good.
everything i do is wrong. everyway i do it is wrong. everything i feel is wrong. everyway i feel it is wrong. you'll never know. you'll never understand. till you look at yourself more closely. i am the same "why are you so good??" person.
that proves there's an imbalance i heard. someone telling you that.
and in the end,
the "too-good" person fucks up hugely and they are the evil one.
and everyone lives...... to die.....