lunar-centric

i'm charged with a boundless energy, still contained within the staggered route my blood travels. through the streets. a staggered beat.
i melted into a puddle. and i ran (away) into the ocean. arms are above my head. but not anything else. not above my head. this is what it speaks...

robert mapplethorpe to patti smith, best friends, sometime in the late '70's:
"don't leave me (don't date him) or i'll become gay."

sometimes we wish we could, and we're jealous and envious of that annoying idiot who seems to get it. (get some-thing, which we view as a weakness cuz it disgusts us. it disgusts us becuz we can't accept it in ourselves- or, we just can't get it for many complex reasons which we havent fully accepted in ourselves) ............................but what about them? if we weren't so self-centered, we'd work our shit out. seeing ourselves and reality through others. and sometimes people who seem "strong" are also just really hard-headed which could mean they feel so fragile its scary to admit to it. but on the outside- visibly- they seem strong and we like to ride on their backs and praise them and look down on anyone who, like us, attaches ourselves to them.

---

so then the energy flows through those tunnels. and i am questioning lately why it does not speak out more, outside of my body, out-ward. its not that i don't want to.
something about being put on the spot- the center of attention- all eyes on me- expectations, to act and perform- to prove or be- to fill gaps that needed filling on their own- to accomplish what they never had accomplished on their own...

maybe its going somewhere, or these thoughts are getting somewhere.
thing is, i wouldnt be thinking certain things if it werent for our conversations- which i value so much. i am really liking the challenges to my ideas.

therefore the energy might withdraw in-ward because of the intimidation involved in feeling eyes on me. like i am, or feel, like assumptions have already been laid on me, that the overall environment isnt new altogether, and this all might just be illusory info in my mind; my mind creates a situation (from past issues which are now being addressed) where i put pressure on myself to live up to some idea already placed on me- and therefore i withdraw. 'lose form'. i don't seek out, but might be easily pulled towards it if i were seeked out since in a shy state i might need that, feeling like the new one in the picture.. still somewhat unsure of my place and comfort around the relationship to the environment i'm coming into.

it doesnt have to be this way. thats whats great about getting these things out. recognizing inner reality as compared to actual reality. like the flow into the ocean. it begins in the puddle. the charge i feel in my body from our interactions starts it.
[so key questions that have come up have to do with my outward energy, and withdrawal of. questions around being/not being vocal, and being defined by the visible; the ability to project energy outward/deliver it and to what level through confidence, and from there- intelligence being measured by the visible (this visible form).]