"and this emptiness fills my heart"

i will attempt to write love, as is warned against me. i will step right in, to the world of words and 4 letters and exactitude and type-o's and spelling errors. i want to learn to write it. my friend A won't partake in this journey of writing, so i am going to begin in the world alone.

i've been having dreams of testing the water, and each day i step in further.
my words can be understood or not, believed or not, but i know that they are coming from that cavernous blood-pumping hole in me, muscle pumping with confidence, i know it exists and i will risk my life with it, again and again.

two airports in one day. like the coming and going of stability in relationship. departing of words arriving of hurt. sensing, yet unable to construct comprehensible language as it comes out in improper ways. flattened underfoot, or swallowed in tears after passing through the dirt on my face.

yet i can't ignore the intensity. i feel my mouth fill with saliva, overflowing soon enough, my body and breath quickening.

[lets make this even cheezier- even tho i love this song...]

the double-imagery of the bird flying at the end is my favorite part

killing moon

those nights are back. staring at the empty sky in the dead middle of the night. those cold cold nights. rags. threads. blues and reds. grays, bright lights, electric streets, waiting for the bus, those wanderers woken from the dead, riding bus and riding street, my walkman stop ffwd flip play, electric wires never sleep. wanting to connect in some way. i'd call laimah, at weird hours which made more sense to new york but still weird. being so confused. an aimless feeling. when all i'm wanting is to make sense.

‘I am prepared to face China. I will go to Beijing'

Blood flows from the forehead of a Tibetan
monk beaten by police during a peace
rally in Kathmandu, Nepal.
(Photo: Brian Sokol / The New York Times)

The last thing China wanted, in the year it is to host the Olympic Games, was the world watching its army brutally suppressing protesters. One of the central myths the Chinese government propagates is the unity of the state and the happiness of the 55 ethnic minorities within it. The Chinese government had hoped to have a display of traditional Tibetan dancing at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. If it now moves to suppress the protests with force, it faces the possibility of an Olympic boycott. But if it lets the protests continue, the world will see how widespread is the unhappiness and resentment of China's Tibetan people. "Tiananmen is the face of China, the face of Beijing so many broadcasters would like to do live or recorded coverage of the square," said Yosuke Fujiwara, the head of broadcast relations for the Beijing Olympic Broadcasting Co. Casualty figures and details about the protests and China's response have proven difficult to confirm because China is tightly controlling the information and keeping out all foreign journalists. "You can't just host glamorous events for television while things are going topsy-turvy in your own backyard. The host has to allow thousands of journalists into the country - you won't be able to sweep anything under the rug." (Frank Walter Steinmeier for Bild newspaper) Aside from Tibet protests, the government said it foiled a plot this month by Muslim separatists in western China to blow up a China Southern Boeing 757. Foreign activists angry about China's support for Sudan, which is party to a civil war in Darfur, said this week they would demonstrate in Beijing during the games. After the Icelandic singer Bjork shouted "Tibet!" at the finale of a Shanghai concert this month, officials ordered tighter scrutiny of all performances. The Boy Scouts seemed to get caught in a response to both the sometimes violent Tibet protests and Bjork; police canceled all on-field entertainment for the exhibition baseball games, including the singing of the Chinese and U.S. national anthems. None acknowledged that harsh policies in Tibet have provoked the unrest. It's easier to keep blaming the Dalai Lama. Almost half a century after he fled to India, the Dalai Lama has raised the extraordinary prospect of travelling to Beijing and holding face-to-talks with the Chinese regime in an effort to resolve Tibet’s most serious crisis for two decades. -Published on Friday, March 21, 2008 by (Andrew Buncombe) The Independent/UK, (Lindsey Hilsum) Newstatesman, and The Associated Press historical footage: current:

cultural genocide

and the "Genocide Olympics".
darfur genocide

no amount of sole brain-work will explain what has gone on in the blood of these people. there is clearly more to the reasoning if they are willing to put their bodies up against china in this way.

Big Wheelin' Tight Rollin'

feelin like bones are twisted and heads rewound. my body mentally and physically stimulated and broken, warped, drained, flattened by the big wheel of this country. plastic monster trucks!

but my swollen limbs are breathing hard...

lunar-centric

i'm charged with a boundless energy, still contained within the staggered route my blood travels. through the streets. a staggered beat.
i melted into a puddle. and i ran (away) into the ocean. arms are above my head. but not anything else. not above my head. this is what it speaks...

robert mapplethorpe to patti smith, best friends, sometime in the late '70's:
"don't leave me (don't date him) or i'll become gay."

sometimes we wish we could, and we're jealous and envious of that annoying idiot who seems to get it. (get some-thing, which we view as a weakness cuz it disgusts us. it disgusts us becuz we can't accept it in ourselves- or, we just can't get it for many complex reasons which we havent fully accepted in ourselves) ............................but what about them? if we weren't so self-centered, we'd work our shit out. seeing ourselves and reality through others. and sometimes people who seem "strong" are also just really hard-headed which could mean they feel so fragile its scary to admit to it. but on the outside- visibly- they seem strong and we like to ride on their backs and praise them and look down on anyone who, like us, attaches ourselves to them.

---

so then the energy flows through those tunnels. and i am questioning lately why it does not speak out more, outside of my body, out-ward. its not that i don't want to.
something about being put on the spot- the center of attention- all eyes on me- expectations, to act and perform- to prove or be- to fill gaps that needed filling on their own- to accomplish what they never had accomplished on their own...

maybe its going somewhere, or these thoughts are getting somewhere.
thing is, i wouldnt be thinking certain things if it werent for our conversations- which i value so much. i am really liking the challenges to my ideas.

therefore the energy might withdraw in-ward because of the intimidation involved in feeling eyes on me. like i am, or feel, like assumptions have already been laid on me, that the overall environment isnt new altogether, and this all might just be illusory info in my mind; my mind creates a situation (from past issues which are now being addressed) where i put pressure on myself to live up to some idea already placed on me- and therefore i withdraw. 'lose form'. i don't seek out, but might be easily pulled towards it if i were seeked out since in a shy state i might need that, feeling like the new one in the picture.. still somewhat unsure of my place and comfort around the relationship to the environment i'm coming into.

it doesnt have to be this way. thats whats great about getting these things out. recognizing inner reality as compared to actual reality. like the flow into the ocean. it begins in the puddle. the charge i feel in my body from our interactions starts it.
[so key questions that have come up have to do with my outward energy, and withdrawal of. questions around being/not being vocal, and being defined by the visible; the ability to project energy outward/deliver it and to what level through confidence, and from there- intelligence being measured by the visible (this visible form).]

sxsw - sensory overload

there is way too much music and noise and chaos and there's also a lot i am enjoying and Which takes over? i'm not sure. . i just know i wanna go 'home' very soon- sooner than i have planned... and there must be a way i can do it.