"to change something you don't understand"

The training of wizards is a very difficult thing. Wizards have to spend years standing in a chalk circle until they can manage without it. They push out their power bit by bit, first within their bodies, then within their immediate circle. It is not possible to control the outside of yourself until you have mastered your breathing space. It is not possible to change anything until you understand the substance you wish to change. Of course people mutilate and modify, but these are fallen powers, and to change something you do not understand is the true nature of evil.

from Oranges are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson


i've been pushed beyond my limits in many ways recently. i won't keep pushing if i am being pushed, especially if i am exerting more energy than i am capable of at the moment.

thoughts and questions, answers lie within the experience-ing

> >
> > If you don't mind my asking, what are the "rules" to your
> relationship. In my friends relationship they consider her and her
> partner the primary and they can act on outside crushes as long as
it
> doesn't threaten the other.
> >
> > I found this very interesting. I have a hard time conceiving of
> how she would not feel threatened by an outsider if your lover is
> expressing interest in them. In a purely romantic sense I can
> conceive of love between x and y that is so strong that it
transcends
> even the transcient mutable desire of human nature. In another
> respect--we are all granted differring levels of intellect, social
> status, body types, etc.., which change within the lover and the
> loved as well as the teeming world of propensities in "others" you
> may come to express and interest in.
> >
> > We are weakened and/or stregthened by the tumult of daily
> experiences and within the brute flesh of the world so many varying
> things may arise, which speculatively would bring about an end.
With
> that said--in her I see her relationship has become a discomfort
> predominated by fear and insecurity-- the things I look to be
assuaged
> from in a relationship.
> >
> > I acknowledge it takes a great strength of self to cope with
these
> realities, which is why I ask these questions. I'm think of
> something my philosophy professor had once said--"love is a game we
> must fool our selves into." Romantic life I think entails some
> degree of dishonesty-- there are nuances that arise about states of
> amouressness, small spectres of untruth in complements, etc... but
> I'm sure you not referring to these sublties--but in another
respect
> they seem to overlap into the realm you of "honesty" your are
> referring to.

> You write:
>
> "If you don't mind my asking, what are the "rules" to your
> relationship. In my friends relationship they consider her and her
> partner the primary and they can act on outside crushes as long as
it
> doesn't threaten the other."
>
> My relationship with my partner is like this as well. I have to say
> that our move to the open relationship status was my partner's
idea,
> and I have gone along with this reluctantly. I have gone along with
> it because I love my partner and want her to be happy. She says
that
> she loves me and I am her `best one' and she would always put me
> first. However she does want the freedom to pursue other love
> interests.
>
> As I have mentioned before on this forum, I have felt miserable and
> jealous at this new arrangement, but I choose to stay in the
> relationship as I think this option to be better than any
alternative.
>
> My new year's resolution is to overcome my jealousy. I draw on
> various philosophical views. Plato advocates self-mastery and Kant
> and Kierkegaard advocate the transformation of the will. I find
that
> my philosophical thought supports Sartre's idea that we are
> completely free to change our mental attitudes and behaviour. For
me,
> brute, primitive feelings, often the result of evolutionary natural
> selection, can be overcome by reason and will power.
>
> When you talk of romantic love, you sound very idealistic:
>
> "In a purely romantic sense I can conceive of love between x and y
> that is so strong that it transcends even the transcient mutable
> desire of human nature."
>
> As I mentioned in my last post, the ideal is something to aim for,
> but in reality is rarely, if ever, achieved. I have yet to meet the
> person who says that they have a perfect relationship. And if they
> did say this, I would be suspicious.
>
> Sustaining a long-term loving relationship is not easy, partly, as
> you say, because people change over time. Existentialism insists
that
> there are no ready-made answers to life's difficulties. We each
have
> to work out what is best for ourselves and our significant others
> with patience, clarity of thought and love. Sometimes this will
> entail working to improve a faulting relationship, and sometimes it
> will mean finishing a relationship and moving on.