deflated

Transits

i'm ready to enter a new level in our relationship. i'm ready to take what i was given and move forward. i'm happy i didn't move backwards. i understand it can feel that way to you. i see that you may be leaving.

Pluto has/had been squaring my Venus, and opposing Mars. I'm born with a Pluto square Mars, but also with a Pluto Conjunct Venus.

how i usually am (pluto conjunct venus) :

Venus conjunct Pluto
Your emotions, particularly when it comes to feelings of love and attachment, run very deep. Your personality is magnetic, and you tend to arouse strong feelings in others, who may find you intriguing or somehow offensive! In love, you can be quite possessive and possibly obsessive. At the root of obsessive feelings are deep fears of rejection, loss, and betrayal. Your feelings often run hot or cold--your love nature is generally extreme. It's hard for you to detach yourself and this sensitivity comes from a tendency to take things very much to heart. You are certainly most charming when you want to be. Love relationships turn your world upside down. You are likely to experience love at first sight, as you tend to work on instinct when it comes to affairs of the heart. Your relationships often feel fateful. You easily put pressure on your partner, as you expect much loyalty and honesty in your intimate relationships. Be careful not to let your relationships get to a point where your partner is superfluous and you are working through your own inner demons through him or her. Certainly, you will learn much about yourself through your relationships, and you may not always like what you see. You will meet yourself (the "darker" side or inner demons) through your relationships, and it will be critical that you recognize it as your own "material" and not project it onto your partner. On another level, you may have a talent for drama, writing lyrics, music in general, and finance.

~You are extremely loyal to and solicitous of those you love, without a cloying sentimentality. Your values and thoughts center on love, which can easily become the hub of your life. Early in a relationship, you are apt to be jealous and possessive, but with time and experience this can be transformed into a higher, more mature type of attachment. You are willing to give your all to your beloved but demand the same in return. Your strongest desire is for an all-consuming love that will bring you satisfaction on all levels: emotional, physical and spiritual. With aspects to Mars or Neptune, there could be a preoccupation with or compulsive attitude toward sex.

+ You may not be particularly sentimental but if you love someone, you love them completely and forever. You live on the emotional extremes. People are either important to you or they don't even exist. Your feelings are deep and volcanic. You love power and control which is fine if you have learned to control yourself. You are magnetic and surrounded with an aura of mystery. You deal with groups and group resources. You may have leadership in some creative project or in some financial enterprise. You polarize people: they either love you or hate you but are seldom indifferent to you. -- Interpretation from the Indra report.

*You have deep, compelling love feelings that seem irresistible and often irrational. Your love relationships are very passionate and intense, and you experience both agony and ecstasy in love. You are always changed in a deep, fundamental way by your love experiences, though this may come about through painful and difficult confrontations or separations. You are something of an emotional fanatic about things you care about.

#You are the stuff of saints and martyrs because you engage in your beliefs with a fanatical desire to conquer anyone in your path. A physical love relationship can make or break your spiritual connection, depending on your ability to nurture the depth of feeling.

about this transit (pluto square venus) :

one description:

Pluto transits square Venus This major transit challenges you to find meaning in your life through romantic connections and partnerships. You now must uncover a new layer or level to your life -- one that goes more deeply than you have heretofore experienced. Sometimes this transit is associated with divorce or separation, and sometimes new relationships begin. Other times, the attitude towards partnership undergoes a major transformation. You may become quite obsessed with your commitments and partner during this time, or you may experience Pluto through your partner. Especially males with this transit may encounter Pluto themes through a female. Manipulative and controlling behaviors may be displayed or experienced through partners. You must be especially wary of resisting change and holding onto negative attachments. This transit may be a signal that it is time to let go of destructive attachments and connections, and resisting this process is likely to do more harm than good. Relationships begun at this time may be very complicated and ultimately challenging, so be careful to think before making drastic changes in your relationships at this time. There may be some problems with money during this transit. Poor spending decisions made to date may come to a head and you may need to face up to their reality. By the end of the transit, you should have a renewed sense of worth, although getting to that point may not be entirely pleasant.

~Your desire for love and its physical expression is strong, but you may not find it easy to express this need. A more compulsive or obsessive quality marks your relationships and, instead of looking for someone whose values are similar to or compatible with your own, you may attract someone whose values clash with yours. There is the possibility of attracting a member of the underworld set, someone who is already attached or someone who is looking only for sex, rather than a person capable of making both the sacrifices and the commitment you deem necessary. Keep your standards high now, so you can come upon a love which fulfills alt your needs. If you aren't already in love, you may be tempted to start a relationship with anyone just so you won't be alone. Avoid this; aim for an attachment based on love, trust, and a genuine relationship which will deepen, not disintegrate, with time.

*Romance and sexuality are the key issues now. Your sexual drive is particularly strong now, and you are driven by a strong need to achieve a deeper level of fulfillment in your love relationships. At times during this time period you are not able to constrain your compulsive feelings, and you are prone to dispense with reason, logic, rational judgment, ethics, and taboos.

+An intense time, during which your need for inner growth and change may not agree with how you feel, your current value system. You may not appreciate all of the intensely personal stuff that is boiling up, coming to your attention.

another:
" Pluto Square Venus This transit increases a divisive energy in friendships and relationships. Emotionally ~ widens the emotional or intimate distance towards you and from you. Usually increases jealous arguments and emotional break downs. Loneliness. Relationships ~ either deepen or break here ~ they cannot just be. Loved ones or friends may desert you. Destructive relationships. Loss of loved ones. Love may bring sudden attraction to others. Temptations of love and lust. Settling for relationships you once would not have considered. Sex ~ insatiable Loves. Heightened sexuality without satisfaction. Money ~ loss of finances through disagreement or theft. Sometimes may indicate the paying off karma from a past moral or social issue in which you were engaged in or in agreement with."

silver-lining, old old cloud.

gray-like silver. on the head a-top the tip the blunt the not-so-highest point, the shine stands tall, like glisten undertow. the steps i take. the breaths i fake. the life i make. the problems i forsake.

i used to be a runner, now i live in a marathon...

i want to have the time to read and listen and watch and think. i want time to breathe and cook and sit and sleep. i want to stop the searching, wondering, hurting, running.
this feels like a marathon. everything about it. every thing. every day. i'm running, you're running, we're all running.
and then... i realize its not just a test of my own endurance... i realize its also a massive competition - for speed- for the end- for the goal- for the prize.
i'm tired and i want to rest.
i'm tired and i want a home.
i'm tired and i want to be given, more credit, more listening, more time, more patience.
but then when i look beyond myself, i notice we're all in it together... i look around and everyone's sweating, fading for water, stomping their feet, gazing at the path in some hazy way or another. its sad.

"to change something you don't understand"

The training of wizards is a very difficult thing. Wizards have to spend years standing in a chalk circle until they can manage without it. They push out their power bit by bit, first within their bodies, then within their immediate circle. It is not possible to control the outside of yourself until you have mastered your breathing space. It is not possible to change anything until you understand the substance you wish to change. Of course people mutilate and modify, but these are fallen powers, and to change something you do not understand is the true nature of evil.

from Oranges are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson


i've been pushed beyond my limits in many ways recently. i won't keep pushing if i am being pushed, especially if i am exerting more energy than i am capable of at the moment.

thoughts and questions, answers lie within the experience-ing

> >
> > If you don't mind my asking, what are the "rules" to your
> relationship. In my friends relationship they consider her and her
> partner the primary and they can act on outside crushes as long as
it
> doesn't threaten the other.
> >
> > I found this very interesting. I have a hard time conceiving of
> how she would not feel threatened by an outsider if your lover is
> expressing interest in them. In a purely romantic sense I can
> conceive of love between x and y that is so strong that it
transcends
> even the transcient mutable desire of human nature. In another
> respect--we are all granted differring levels of intellect, social
> status, body types, etc.., which change within the lover and the
> loved as well as the teeming world of propensities in "others" you
> may come to express and interest in.
> >
> > We are weakened and/or stregthened by the tumult of daily
> experiences and within the brute flesh of the world so many varying
> things may arise, which speculatively would bring about an end.
With
> that said--in her I see her relationship has become a discomfort
> predominated by fear and insecurity-- the things I look to be
assuaged
> from in a relationship.
> >
> > I acknowledge it takes a great strength of self to cope with
these
> realities, which is why I ask these questions. I'm think of
> something my philosophy professor had once said--"love is a game we
> must fool our selves into." Romantic life I think entails some
> degree of dishonesty-- there are nuances that arise about states of
> amouressness, small spectres of untruth in complements, etc... but
> I'm sure you not referring to these sublties--but in another
respect
> they seem to overlap into the realm you of "honesty" your are
> referring to.

> You write:
>
> "If you don't mind my asking, what are the "rules" to your
> relationship. In my friends relationship they consider her and her
> partner the primary and they can act on outside crushes as long as
it
> doesn't threaten the other."
>
> My relationship with my partner is like this as well. I have to say
> that our move to the open relationship status was my partner's
idea,
> and I have gone along with this reluctantly. I have gone along with
> it because I love my partner and want her to be happy. She says
that
> she loves me and I am her `best one' and she would always put me
> first. However she does want the freedom to pursue other love
> interests.
>
> As I have mentioned before on this forum, I have felt miserable and
> jealous at this new arrangement, but I choose to stay in the
> relationship as I think this option to be better than any
alternative.
>
> My new year's resolution is to overcome my jealousy. I draw on
> various philosophical views. Plato advocates self-mastery and Kant
> and Kierkegaard advocate the transformation of the will. I find
that
> my philosophical thought supports Sartre's idea that we are
> completely free to change our mental attitudes and behaviour. For
me,
> brute, primitive feelings, often the result of evolutionary natural
> selection, can be overcome by reason and will power.
>
> When you talk of romantic love, you sound very idealistic:
>
> "In a purely romantic sense I can conceive of love between x and y
> that is so strong that it transcends even the transcient mutable
> desire of human nature."
>
> As I mentioned in my last post, the ideal is something to aim for,
> but in reality is rarely, if ever, achieved. I have yet to meet the
> person who says that they have a perfect relationship. And if they
> did say this, I would be suspicious.
>
> Sustaining a long-term loving relationship is not easy, partly, as
> you say, because people change over time. Existentialism insists
that
> there are no ready-made answers to life's difficulties. We each
have
> to work out what is best for ourselves and our significant others
> with patience, clarity of thought and love. Sometimes this will
> entail working to improve a faulting relationship, and sometimes it
> will mean finishing a relationship and moving on.