
chiasm, as explored by maurice merleau-ponty.(rather than discussion and debate, or monologue (Ich-Es), i am exploring an intertwining of argumentation, discourse- overlap in meanings, communication, words- weaving of thoughts, writing, dialogue (Ich-Du), etc.)
discursus, as explored by roland barthes.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Transits
Pluto has/had been squaring my Venus, and opposing Mars. I'm born with a Pluto square Mars, but also with a Pluto Conjunct Venus.
how i usually am (pluto conjunct venus) :
Venus conjunct Pluto
Your emotions, particularly when it comes to feelings of love and attachment, run very deep. Your personality is magnetic, and you tend to arouse strong feelings in others, who may find you intriguing or somehow offensive! In love, you can be quite possessive and possibly obsessive. At the root of obsessive feelings are deep fears of rejection, loss, and betrayal. Your feelings often run hot or cold--your love nature is generally extreme. It's hard for you to detach yourself and this sensitivity comes from a tendency to take things very much to heart. You are certainly most charming when you want to be. Love relationships turn your world upside down. You are likely to experience love at first sight, as you tend to work on instinct when it comes to affairs of the heart. Your relationships often feel fateful. You easily put pressure on your partner, as you expect much loyalty and honesty in your intimate relationships. Be careful not to let your relationships get to a point where your partner is superfluous and you are working through your own inner demons through him or her. Certainly, you will learn much about yourself through your relationships, and you may not always like what you see. You will meet yourself (the "darker" side or inner demons) through your relationships, and it will be critical that you recognize it as your own "material" and not project it onto your partner. On another level, you may have a talent for drama, writing lyrics, music in general, and finance.
~You are extremely loyal to and solicitous of those you love, without a cloying sentimentality. Your values and thoughts center on love, which can easily become the hub of your life. Early in a relationship, you are apt to be jealous and possessive, but with time and experience this can be transformed into a higher, more mature type of attachment. You are willing to give your all to your beloved but demand the same in return. Your strongest desire is for an all-consuming love that will bring you satisfaction on all levels: emotional, physical and spiritual. With aspects to Mars or Neptune, there could be a preoccupation with or compulsive attitude toward sex.
+ You may not be particularly sentimental but if you love someone, you love them completely and forever. You live on the emotional extremes. People are either important to you or they don't even exist. Your feelings are deep and volcanic. You love power and control which is fine if you have learned to control yourself. You are magnetic and surrounded with an aura of mystery. You deal with groups and group resources. You may have leadership in some creative project or in some financial enterprise. You polarize people: they either love you or hate you but are seldom indifferent to you. -- Interpretation from the Indra report.
*You have deep, compelling love feelings that seem irresistible and often irrational. Your love relationships are very passionate and intense, and you experience both agony and ecstasy in love. You are always changed in a deep, fundamental way by your love experiences, though this may come about through painful and difficult confrontations or separations. You are something of an emotional fanatic about things you care about.
#You are the stuff of saints and martyrs because you engage in your beliefs with a fanatical desire to conquer anyone in your path. A physical love relationship can make or break your spiritual connection, depending on your ability to nurture the depth of feeling.
about this transit (pluto square venus) :
one description:



Pluto transits square Venus This major transit challenges you to find meaning in your life through romantic connections and partnerships. You now must uncover a new layer or level to your life -- one that goes more deeply than you have heretofore experienced. Sometimes this transit is associated with divorce or separation, and sometimes new relationships begin. Other times, the attitude towards partnership undergoes a major transformation. You may become quite obsessed with your commitments and partner during this time, or you may experience Pluto through your partner. Especially males with this transit may encounter Pluto themes through a female. Manipulative and controlling behaviors may be displayed or experienced through partners. You must be especially wary of resisting change and holding onto negative attachments. This transit may be a signal that it is time to let go of destructive attachments and connections, and resisting this process is likely to do more harm than good. Relationships begun at this time may be very complicated and ultimately challenging, so be careful to think before making drastic changes in your relationships at this time. There may be some problems with money during this transit. Poor spending decisions made to date may come to a head and you may need to face up to their reality. By the end of the transit, you should have a renewed sense of worth, although getting to that point may not be entirely pleasant.
~Your desire for love and its physical expression is strong, but you may not find it easy to express this need. A more compulsive or obsessive quality marks your relationships and, instead of looking for someone whose values are similar to or compatible with your own, you may attract someone whose values clash with yours. There is the possibility of attracting a member of the underworld set, someone who is already attached or someone who is looking only for sex, rather than a person capable of making both the sacrifices and the commitment you deem necessary. Keep your standards high now, so you can come upon a love which fulfills alt your needs. If you aren't already in love, you may be tempted to start a relationship with anyone just so you won't be alone. Avoid this; aim for an attachment based on love, trust, and a genuine relationship which will deepen, not disintegrate, with time.
*Romance and sexuality are the key issues now. Your sexual drive is particularly strong now, and you are driven by a strong need to achieve a deeper level of fulfillment in your love relationships. At times during this time period you are not able to constrain your compulsive feelings, and you are prone to dispense with reason, logic, rational judgment, ethics, and taboos.
+An intense time, during which your need for inner growth and change may not agree with how you feel, your current value system. You may not appreciate all of the intensely personal stuff that is boiling up, coming to your attention.
another:" Pluto Square Venus This transit increases a divisive energy in friendships and relationships. Emotionally ~ widens the emotional or intimate distance towards you and from you. Usually increases jealous arguments and emotional break downs. Loneliness. Relationships ~ either deepen or break here ~ they cannot just be. Loved ones or friends may desert you. Destructive relationships. Loss of loved ones. Love may bring sudden attraction to others. Temptations of love and lust. Settling for relationships you once would not have considered. Sex ~ insatiable Loves. Heightened sexuality without satisfaction. Money ~ loss of finances through disagreement or theft. Sometimes may indicate the paying off karma from a past moral or social issue in which you were engaged in or in agreement with."
Monday, March 16, 2009
silver-lining, old old cloud.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
i used to be a runner, now i live in a marathon...
this feels like a marathon. everything about it. every thing. every day. i'm running, you're running, we're all running.
and then... i realize its not just a test of my own endurance... i realize its also a massive competition - for speed- for the end- for the goal- for the prize.
i'm tired and i want to rest.
i'm tired and i want a home.
i'm tired and i want to be given, more credit, more listening, more time, more patience.
but then when i look beyond myself, i notice we're all in it together... i look around and everyone's sweating, fading for water, stomping their feet, gazing at the path in some hazy way or another. its sad.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
"to change something you don't understand"
from Oranges are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson
i've been pushed beyond my limits in many ways recently. i won't keep pushing if i am being pushed, especially if i am exerting more energy than i am capable of at the moment.
Monday, January 12, 2009
thoughts and questions, answers lie within the experience-ing
> >
> > If you don't mind my asking, what are the "rules" to your
> relationship. In my friends relationship they consider her and her
> partner the primary and they can act on outside crushes as long as
it
> doesn't threaten the other.
> >
> > I found this very interesting. I have a hard time conceiving of
> how she would not feel threatened by an outsider if your lover is
> expressing interest in them. In a purely romantic sense I can
> conceive of love between x and y that is so strong that it
transcends
> even the transcient mutable desire of human nature. In another
> respect--we are all granted differring levels of intellect, social
> status, body types, etc.., which change within the lover and the
> loved as well as the teeming world of propensities in "others" you
> may come to express and interest in.
> >
> > We are weakened and/or stregthened by the tumult of daily
> experiences and within the brute flesh of the world so many varying
> things may arise, which speculatively would bring about an end.
With
> that said--in her I see her relationship has become a discomfort
> predominated by fear and insecurity-- the things I look to be
assuaged
> from in a relationship.
> >
> > I acknowledge it takes a great strength of self to cope with
these
> realities, which is why I ask these questions. I'm think of
> something my philosophy professor had once said--"love is a game we
> must fool our selves into." Romantic life I think entails some
> degree of dishonesty-- there are nuances that arise about states of
> amouressness, small spectres of untruth in complements, etc... but
> I'm sure you not referring to these sublties--but in another
respect
> they seem to overlap into the realm you of "honesty" your are
> referring to.
> You write:
>
> "If you don't mind my asking, what are the "rules" to your
> relationship. In my friends relationship they consider her and her
> partner the primary and they can act on outside crushes as long as
it
> doesn't threaten the other."
>
> My relationship with my partner is like this as well. I have to say
> that our move to the open relationship status was my partner's
idea,
> and I have gone along with this reluctantly. I have gone along with
> it because I love my partner and want her to be happy. She says
that
> she loves me and I am her `best one' and she would always put me
> first. However she does want the freedom to pursue other love
> interests.
>
> As I have mentioned before on this forum, I have felt miserable and
> jealous at this new arrangement, but I choose to stay in the
> relationship as I think this option to be better than any
alternative.
>
> My new year's resolution is to overcome my jealousy. I draw on
> various philosophical views. Plato advocates self-mastery and Kant
> and Kierkegaard advocate the transformation of the will. I find
that
> my philosophical thought supports Sartre's idea that we are
> completely free to change our mental attitudes and behaviour. For
me,
> brute, primitive feelings, often the result of evolutionary natural
> selection, can be overcome by reason and will power.
>
> When you talk of romantic love, you sound very idealistic:
>
> "In a purely romantic sense I can conceive of love between x and y
> that is so strong that it transcends even the transcient mutable
> desire of human nature."
>
> As I mentioned in my last post, the ideal is something to aim for,
> but in reality is rarely, if ever, achieved. I have yet to meet the
> person who says that they have a perfect relationship. And if they
> did say this, I would be suspicious.
>
> Sustaining a long-term loving relationship is not easy, partly, as
> you say, because people change over time. Existentialism insists
that
> there are no ready-made answers to life's difficulties. We each
have
> to work out what is best for ourselves and our significant others
> with patience, clarity of thought and love. Sometimes this will
> entail working to improve a faulting relationship, and sometimes it
> will mean finishing a relationship and moving on.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Dan White...commited suicide?!
White served five years of his seven-year sentence at Soledad State Prison and was paroled on January 6, 1984. Fearing he might be murdered in retaliation for his crimes, California State Corrections Officials secretly transported White to Los Angeles, where he served a year's parole. After satisfying the terms of his parole, White indicated he wanted to return to his lifelong home San Francisco, which prompted Mayor Feinstein to issue a public statement formally asking White not to return, fearing for his safety. Nevertheless, he did return.
after his release- riots in sf
Harvey Milk, George Moscone, Dan White
"DAN WHITE, KILLER OF SAN FRANCISCO MAYOR, A SUICIDE"
On October 21, 1985, less than two years after his release from prison, White committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning in his garage by running a garden hose from the exhaust pipe to the inside of his car. The body was discovered by White's brother, Tom, shortly before 2 p.m. the same day. The Irish folk song "The Town I Loved So Well" was playing on a continual loop on the car's cassette player. He was buried at Golden Gate National Cemetery in San Bruno, California.
more.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_White

Saturday, November 8, 2008
Prop 8 - Repeal
tugging just slowly till a ripple effect occurs, throughout the body, like alcohol on the wound, precipitating poison around the isles. we lay on edges of earth, on the slip of the earth into the sea, strands as rushing water glides us inward.
the pulling still happens.
and like nerves being urged, or the tearing at the ligaments, asked and begged to falter, pressuring the body to perform a new level of maintenance on the land. we allow those "rules" to configure our every move. even ones which tell us who to love, how to love, when to love, and why. and even further, those who command us not to love.
i am not drawing this one onto the map.
~mapmaker (me as)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Alchemist
the days will soon be getting colder. besides this heat and sun we're experiencing, it makes no difference. it is autumn, "the last leaves fell off all the trees", the rain will come, the winter will be long, i have a lot of work till the ground warms again or for your eyes to trust me again.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
i want to Unfold
I am too alone in the world
-Rainer Maria Rilke
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
I want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
I want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere do I want to remain folded,
because where I am bent and folded, there I am lie.
And I want my meaning
true for you. I want to describe myself
like a painting that I studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word I finally understood,
like the pitcher of water I use every day ,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Question the Abyss- the deep, dark, inexpressible Truth.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
If I only could, Id be running up that hill.
It doesnt hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesnt hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that Im making?
You, its you and me.
And if I only could,
Id make a deal with god,
And Id get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...
You dont want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware Im tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.
Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, dont we?
You, its you and me.
Its you and me wont be unhappy.
And if I only could,
Id make a deal with god,
And Id get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...
You,
Its you and me,
Its you and me wont be unhappy.
Cmon, baby, cmon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Cmon, angel, cmon, cmon, darling,
Lets exchange the experience, oh...
And if I only could,
Id make a deal with god,
And Id get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
If I only could, Id be running up that hill.
If I only could, Id be running up that hill.
(info about Surrealism: 1 , 2 )



Sunday, August 31, 2008
The Hanged Man.
i'm having to make decisions. i'm trying to move in the direction that feels 'right' in the moment. i'm working on surviving. the 'cards' are falling in place.
THE HANGED MAN
Divinatory meaning
Upright - Devotion to a worthwhile cause. Temporary suspension of progress. Flexibility of mind and a willingness to adapt to changes. Sacrifice in the present to reap benefit in the future. A waiting period. Rebirth. Sacrificing one thing to obtain another. Transformation. Circumstances literally turned on their head.
Basic Card Symbols
A man hanging by one foot from a Tau cross - sometimes from a bar or tree. His free leg is always bent to form a "4," his face is always peaceful, never suffering. Sometimes his hands are bound, sometimes they dangle. Sometimes coins fall out of his pockets or hands.
Basic Tarot Story
The Fool settles beneath a tree, intent on finding his spiritual self. There he stays for nine days, without eating, barely moving. People pass by him, animals, clouds, the wind, the rain, the stars, sun and moon. On the ninth day, with no conscious thought of why, he climbs a branch and dangles upside down like a child, giving up for a moment, all that he is, wants, knows or cares about. Coins fall from his pockets and as he gazes down on them - seeing them not as money but only as round bits of metal - everything suddenly changes perspective. It is as if he's hanging between the mundane world and the spiritual world, able to see both. It is a dazzling moment, dreamlike yet crystal clear. Connections he never understood before are made, mysteries are revealed.
But timeless as this moment of clarity seems, he realizes that it will not last. Very soon, he must right himself, and when he does, things will be different. He will have to act on what he's learned. For now, however, he just hangs, weightless as if underwater, observing, absorbing, seeing.
Basic Tarot Meaning
With Neptune (or Water) as its planet, the Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.
The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. This is a time of trial or meditation, selflessness, sacrifice, prophecy. The Querent stops resisting; instead he makes himself vulnerable, sacrifices his position or opposition, and in doing so, gains illumination. Answers that eluded him become clear, solutions to problems are found. He sees the world differently, has almost mystical insights. This card can also imply a time when everything just stands still, a time of rest and reflection before moving on. Things will continue on in a moment, but for now, they float, timeless.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The World is upon me...
themselves on me. The earth with molten rock glistens against its pale side, side by side the Planets play their games among us. Swing to the melody of Love as it bleeds from hearts sunken into the World's burning core from out of those Bodies who could no longer bear the weight of saliva, tear, and confusion. Stars and bodies magnified through doorways and peepholes, fall upon me. fall upon me. Weight is upon me. Light is upon me. Death is upon me. Fall on me. Bright. White. Light.

The field of science which we call The Cosmogony and which has been taken up by the alchemists, was actually an eclectic Cosmology based on Aristotle's concept about the Universe, which was somehow influenced by both Jewish-Christian and Gnostic religious ideas. The alchemists used to consider that the emanation of Light within the primal Chaos divided the four elements which finally were situated according to their weight: the soil (earth) in the centre then, the water, the air, and the fire.

Swans
The River That Runs With Love Won't Run Dry :
Oh My Father He Was Born Beneath The Water
And My Mother She Was Born To No One's Daughter
And I, I Was Born Beneath The Dying Sun
Born From The Mouth Of A River That Would Not Run Dry
La La La La La La La La La Lie
La La La La La La La La La Lie
Oh The River That Runs With Love It Won't Run Dry
La La La La La La La La La Lie
Well I Awoke This Morning In The Blackest Night
And A Million Stars Were Aching In The Sullen Sky
And I Heard The Great Machines As They Bled And Cried
And I Saw The End Of The World, I Had No Question Why
La La La La La La La La La Lie
La La La La La La La La La Lie
Hold On To The One You Love And Kiss Her Before She Dies
Oh The River That Runs With Love It Won't Run Dry
Oh My Father Made The Water When He Cried
But The River That Runs With Love It Won't Run Dry
And The Sun Will Burn A Hole In The Purple Sky
But The River That Runs With Love It Won't Run Dry
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
what a word!
(thanks Laimah. i love your sense of language and sarcasm. if it weren't for ridicule, i'd be taking myself way too seriously.)
Leave-ing
i as well plummet from life.
i, also, change color and can hang on no more.
i, just as well, gently flutter onto the ground
where i feel alone, and unsure, yet have a certainty and visual image of myself turned to dust.
it is approaching. and i wonder what it will bring.
Albert Camus' ideas on the Absurd
In his essays Camus presented the reader with dualisms: happiness and sadness, dark and light, life and death, etc. His aim was to emphasize the fact that happiness is fleeting and that the human condition is one of mortality. He did this not to be morbid, but to reflect a greater appreciation for life and happiness. In Le Mythe, this dualism becomes a paradox: We value our lives and existence so greatly, but at the same time we know we will eventually die, and ultimately our endeavours are meaningless. While we can live with a dualism (I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come), we cannot live with the paradox (I think my life is of great importance, but I also think it is meaningless). In Le Mythe, Camus was interested in how we experience the Absurd and how we live with it. Our life must have meaning for us to value it. If we accept that life has no meaning and therefore no value, should we kill ourselves?
Meursault, the Absurdist hero of L'Étranger, is a murderer who is executed for his crime. Caligula ends up admitting his Absurd logic was wrong and is killed by an assassination he has deliberately brought about. However, while Camus possibly suggests that Caligula's Absurd reasoning is wrong, the play's anti-hero does get the last word, as the author similarly exalts Meursault's final moments.
Camus' understanding of the Absurd promotes public debate; his various offerings entice us to think about the Absurd and offer our own contribution. Concepts such as cooperation, joint effort and solidarity are of key importance to Camus.
Camus made a significant contribution to a viewpoint of the Absurd, and always rejected nihilism as a valid response.
"If nothing had any meaning, you would be right. But there is something that still has a meaning." Second Letter to a German Friend, December 1943.
What still had meaning for Camus is that despite humans being subjects in an indifferent and "absurd" universe, in which meaning is challenged by the fact that we all die, meaning can be created, however provisionally and unstably, by our own decisions and interpretations.